Several times over the past couple of years I've had opportunity to engage with my parents and those of my friends outside of the usual system of our relationships. Circumstances called for both parties to be adults, no longer an adult and child. While it's empowering and somewhat exciting to be an 'adult' and have opinions that count, it's also sad and hard to see our parents as people that I can relate to on an equal footing. To see their weaknesses and their insecurities and realise that they are not omnipotent and omniscient beings who are always right. This realisation might be easier and it might come sooner for people from other cultures whose relationships are structured differently, but, for all our advancements, we Bulawayans are still very conservative. I love to be able to give back to my folks (which term covers uncles, aunts, older siblings, parents' friends) but their vulnerability kicks at something in my chest. Is it a fear that someday that'll be me? That as soon as you have children you live for them then one day they no longer need you? I guess I know myself well enough to fear that that fear could keep me from having a fully engaged relationship with my children, not wanting to 'lose' myself in parenting then be kicked out the door when my time is up.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
I'm excited about this new blogging journey. I've been thinking about it for a while and wondering how to be honest and insightful without being inappropriately personal and naked. I haven't figured it out yet but I've got over my fear of trying, spurred on by a lovely lady in Ireland who I've spent most of my life copying!
So, what to write about? One of the many ravings that has been on my heart for the past couple of days is how we don't often realise when prayer has been answered, especially those half-thought of desperate, prayers like 'Lord, please make me a better person!' when we've wronged someone. God, in His wisdom and parent-like sense of humour, answers us very practically and makes us learn things. I've found myself wondering why certain situations keep recurring (such as being plan-lessly broke!) then i remember that i asked Him to teach me to rely on Him. Ouch! I wonder why my 4-going-on-14 year old daughter is being so trying and I remember that I prayed to be a more patient mum.
In short, I've learnt that God rarely waves His magic wand (!) and transforms us, but He truly takes the time to grow us and teach us to be better people in ways that will last. I'm still to see Him answer those other desperate prayers - may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the armpits of my enemies! (stolen curse!)