Wednesday, 17 February 2016

The Way My Life Changed in 2014

This is probably the most personal post I will ever put here. But as part of a healing process I'm going through right now I feel there is no other way... Here goes:

The week my grandmother died:
I didn't cry as much as I should have
I wasn't sure why I was sad
I kept busy to keep from thinking, like she would have done I assume
I learnt the value of friendship in terms of time and energy expended 
I learnt my mode of grieving - private and intermittent 
I didn't see much of my kids and I didn't check much homework 
I felt so alone 
I felt lost 
I realised that I didn't know how to use my voice 
I worried about my dad but knew he was handling it his way, not burying it
I discovered how close my dad and I are, despite the seeming drifting apart over the years 
I knew God's provision. 

The day they buried my grandmother:
I'd cut myself the night before and wondered if it was some sort of blood covenant 
I felt like I missed the funeral but also that I wouldn't have managed to attend it
Family drama annoyed and disappointed me. I cut some people out of my heart 
I didn't say goodbye to my grandfather when I left
I wondered how Khulu really felt and wondered if it mattered. 

The day after they buried my grandmother:
I wondered if her life was worth the three that came into the world around the time of her death. I realised that God had known 9 months before that He was going to take her and I felt slightly betrayed 
I wondered if I would ever recover from her death though I knew I didn't want to 

I discovered that none of the words of sympathy I received actually comforted me, but seeing people around did as it reminded me that so many people loved her too 

23rd March 2014

The Return

Well, I've been incognito for the last two years. And what whirlwind years they have been!! Since my last post my world fell apart and came back together again - yes, that extreme! I like to think I've grown up a lot, changed somewhat, and I'm excited to get to know myself in the thick of my thirties. I'm enjoying my dirty, flirty thirties, as they call them. Feel so much freedom from external expectations, though I've certainly put a lot more on myself. Perhaps it's trying to wrap up things I felt I should have finished in my twenties: a Masters degree or two (hopefully!), having beautiful babies, etc. Anyway, I'm back. And I hope I'm back for a long while now.

If anyone out there is reading this, even if it's just future me, Thanks!