Betrayal first. Cos I hope it will be a shorter write.
Was talking to Shep last night about friendship and just being on the cusp of ending one. The betrayal I felt/ feel went deep - it wasn't about the act but about the perceived lack of consideration behind it. If this person can take 7 years of friendship and put their feelings before that, not even before my feelings but before the investment and all of our selves that we have poured into it, then what's the point? Why continue investing if I can no longer have the assurance that they will stand up for me when I'm not there? Why continue sleeping with someone I feel could kill me in my sleep? I know I should find it in my heart to forgive and move on - and that may be my biggest achievement of 2013 - but to get to that point I most overcome Mistrust and its associate Fear and, knowing God, it's going to be a hard journey to become that big a person!
Now on to love! Yay!
It's dawned on me that after 5 years I love my husband SO MUCH MORE than I did back then, and I thought I COULDN'T love him more than the day I gave myself to him, then the day I married him, then the day I realized we had survived the first 2 years and it had been worth it! Now the love I feel for him is intense and explosive! It also means that as far as it goes in one direction it also goes hard in the opposite direction when that time comes. That's the part I will learn to overcome in 2013. I love being ruled by my positive emotions but I need to learn to rule my negative ones. I say I must rule them not get rid of them because they have cleansing abilities. They give me a chance to have a fresh look when it's called for. But they can also cloud me and force me to stand still so I don't destroy something I love in a frivolous and indulgent moment. But back to love! I find that my love for this crazy amazing man is both wide and deep. It's generally large. Its width is about the varied things I love about him, the him I've come to know who exists only (mostly?) between him and me - the intense philosopher who feels things deeply, the one where I get to see how he thinks and not just what. I love seeing him live out the potential I saw in him from the beginning. He justifies my love for stationery and the potential that it holds! Lol! I love the him who is constant and unchanging. Who decided who he was and continued to be that person. That calms me in its contrast to my ever changing, never stable self. I love his him-ness. That he walks into a room and I feel complete. Safe. Like I can lay my burdens down cos he's there to get them. Like I no longer have to try so hard cos here walks full acceptance. I hope that he feels the same with me.
The depth of my love for him is in the respect I have for him. His brilliant and sharp mind. His big, warm heart. His generosity - which can be a large part of my insanity because I DO NOT like to share him and he is generous with himself. I love this man who is excellent in a crisis and always looks at everyone's interests! What mind can juggle so many things at once??? It's like multi tasking on drugs! (Or it emphasizes the simplicity of my mind!!) I'm constantly excited for the adventures that our life will take us on - both physical and mental (not so much the emotional ones to be honest!). And there's noone i would rather have beside me as we do it all.